Lucy has now passed the two year anniversary of her open-heart surgery. And while she has yet to have her yearly check up I have no doubt she will pass with flying colors. If for no other reason then she will simply announce, "I'm okay" as she does after each tumble. And any child who believes she can will the rain to stop simply by looking out the windown and saying "NO RAIN" must indeed have a special kind of healthy heart.
I have never really written about the time surrounding Lucy's surgery and the months leading up to it. I thought perhaps I would try and do so this year, but the truth is the feelings and emotions are still too raw. Or, to be more accurate, because they are still to raw I have buried them deep inside and have not yet released them.
I spent much of the time in a self imposed self protecting fog. It's a place I know well. It's the place I went during all my own surgeries I had as a kid. I was the happy kid in the hospital. I have seen chart notations that talk about 'the patient is in good spirits, singing Christmas Carols to other children on the ward' (Christmas Carols in June!) but clearly all was not so good in the subconscious of my mind because other notations say, 'patient calls out for mother in sleep, but when comforted insists she is fine. Patient also asks someone to make sure her mother has eaten something'
I don't remember much of those years. I see photos of a smiling upbeat blonde girl in various body casts and I know she is me, but I am just as amazed at everyone else at her resilence and bravery. But, I do not recognize her as me...
Lucy will not have any memories from her surgery either, but that is because she was 4 1/2 months old. But we will tell her the story of her scar, show her the photos of her and her feeding tubes. She will know that the scar is a part of her and therefore something that adds to her story. It is a beautiful scar because it means 'life'.
3 comments:
So sweet, CAS. Really. A testament to strength and resilience. I'm sure those raw feelings are loosed every time you see Lucy smile, and every time she announces she's okay. They too mean "life".
Good posting,I love the scar that runs up my belly,like Lucy's it means LIFE.
I completely understand where you are at with your feelings.I still have a hard time with Issac having Crohns,sometimes I tell myself it is my fault but then I remember Issac's shinning moment when he said to me"it's ok mama you have it and have learned to live with it and so can I." I try and let go.
But! Here is to Lucy and Life a great big toast and a cheer!
Love Rois
I remember when my mom told me that the drs said that it was probably her diabetes, and therefore the insulin of the sixties, that contributed to all my birth defects. And in a rare moment of teenage clarity and generous spirit (I could be pretty catty toward her) I said, "But mom you took the chance and I'm here today. So thank you' Kids are pretty savvy.
Post a Comment