4 years ago

Four years ago L had her open heart surgery at Dornbecher's Hospital here in Portland, Oregon. It hardly seems possible that the girl who danced in her first ballet 'recital' today was that same small fragile baby.

I remember much from that week, some of it strange, and nonsensical. Some intense and heart breaking. I remember it all.

I remember I had a migraine and refused medicine, I was afraid it would knock me out and I wouldn't be present if something went wrong.

I remember it going so fast and so smoothly, that I just couldn't believe it. This was open heart surgery, they said it could take HOURS, instead it took no time at all.

I remember reading the Mick Jagger/Johnny Depp interivew in Rolling Stone magazine outloud to her as she lie sleeping. I used bad british accents and every time one of them swore I would say, "bleep". This cracked me up to no end, I think some of the nurses just thought I was cracked.

I remember Patrick wrote a poem, it was beautiful.

I remember thinking they were sending us home too soon. It was OPEN HEART surgery, people. The drs were right, she thrived.

I remember how crappy the window seat bed was, but I slept there every night anyway.

I remember not wanting to leave her side, not even for a moment. Not even to go home and take care of N. (I knew he was being well taken care of)

I remember wanting Patrick by my side the entire time, but also pushing him away at times wanting to do it all myself.

I remember going to the Drammys and coming back to the ward smelling of cigarettes and sure I smelled like a distillery. It felt good, it felt wrong.

I remember the doctors faces, if I don't remember all their names.

I remember they said she's probably never need surgery on her heart again, and so far they are right.

I remember L, even if you don't. I'll carry those days in my heart always.